Relief

The utter relief of knowing something is not for me
Is challenging to put into words.

It feels like when a muscle
Who didn’t know they were clenched
Releases, for an instant.
Gotcha.

And suddenly,
The neural pathway
For that particular release
Is lingering,
Warm to the touch.

I can trace the scent,
Find the relaxation,
And do it again.

This is why change in my life tends to move in large-scale, sweeping motions.
I spent my formative years,
Butt-cheeks clenched so hard it’s a miracle I didn’t turn inside-out,
And that made it hard to move slowly or gradually.

Release often means coping with the very idea that I have been tense for so long.
This used to tense me up
in anticipation,
in rage,
in grief…
It made the presence of relaxation forceful.

Before sniffing,
I’d grab by the throat.
I’m not proud of the way I pinned my release to the wall and taunted it.

Eventually it realized I needed the same gentle nature.

Things are much less tense now.