hospitals

The weight of trauma unprocessed
is heavy on my heart today.

I am in the hospital,
with my partner,
for them to have surgery.

While waiting in the pre-procedure room,
a flashback of my grandmother’s end-of-life
hospital stays hits me,
causing my body to twitch.

My partner notices and asks what’s up.
‘Nothing’ I say, shaking it off.

But my body is asking to be relieved of these horrid memories.
She says, ‘You did not love her enough.’
‘Remember how you failed her when she needed you most?’
“Now is not the time, body,” I protest, pushing the flashes away.

How do I balance caring for my partner in this moment when I am mentally and physically stuck in past moments?