burning

there is a white hot searing pain in my chest.
i wish for it to go away.

it is sitting there, unmoving, and i am angry.
i try not to be angry at the feeling anymore.
(i used to be very angry at my feelings,
all of them except pride)

this time, i don’t feel angry at the feeling itself.
i’m angry at the uncertainty it reminds me of.
things in my life feel like they are finalizing, in some way.
and simultaneously, i feel as if i was foolish to think things were as extreme as i felt they were.

if i had just…
i could have said…
what if i had…

every time i question my past self, the searing intensifies.
it feels cruel, how that works.

there is most resistance right before a breakthrough,
whispers my mind.
she is right.
i am frustrated, though.