Alone

Why can I feel my body begging for water, food, cooler clothing, movement and I won’t do anything about it?
I hear her crying out to me, begging me to care for her, but all seem to do is put myself on pause until I’m with another person.
I know we aren’t meant to be happy all the time, but surely we’re meant to be feeding ourselves.
I don’t know why I won’t eat. I’m so frustrated I want to break stuff.
But I know I won’t clean up that mess.
The voices in my head tell me I’m worthless.
“That’s not helpful,” I tell them,
“Shame doesn’t overcome, only love does”
And they mock me because if I loved myself I’d be doing anything other than writing this while my stomach growls angrily.
There is nothing in this house that I want to eat.
My friend dared me to cook dinner but I have nothing to cook and even if I did I wouldn’t want to.

But I can’t disappoint her.
Can’t let her know how sad I am.
Why?

I touched my unmoisturized face, right outside my unbrushed teeth.
Had I gotten out of bed when I woke up instead of right before my first meeting, those self care tasks might’ve gotten done.
However, I did not.
There is no purpose here